“你想给所有的这件事的?”利亚’s Green Recovery Story
September 19, 2012

IMG_0854 (2) When longtime CR reader (and frequent, always insightful commenter)利亚送我这个绿色复苏的故事,前几天,她告诉我花了大约一个月半来写。威廉app这可能是不寻常的,毕竟这些故事都非常亲密,但我有它在我的脑海里,因为我读利亚的叙述,我可以看到她是如何自己多大投入它

I have yet to read a Green Recovery post that didn’t have at least one sentiment I could relate to (usually more). Lia’s post really hit home—the childhood perfectionism, the many years of struggle, the adoption of a vegan diet to manage IBS, the gradual, thoughtful reconciliation of veganism with an ED history, and then the stunning realization that veganism was not something I could doin spite of我的ED的历史:它是,实际上,与我的历史中的种种深刻的方式,我的愈合过程的一个非常现实的一部分。

I hope you’ll take as much away from Lia’s narrative as I have!


I was also a proud carnivore, as I had labeled myself. All through my youth, into my high school years, and throughout freshman year of college my favorite meal was lobster bisque, a rare piece of Filet Mignon, and finally a decadent chocolate souffle. With tastes like these, and a general love for food, it should have come as no surprise that I gained the weight that I did. I was never chubby, but no longer the underweight lady I constantly wished to be. After years of loving food but always comparing my body, weight, and pant size to others, I realized there was something wrong with me, and whatever it was, it seemed like it was out of my control.


Those 5 years were filled with a destructive freshman year where I gained a lot of weight and realized I couldn’t read my body’s signals, an Orthorexic boyfriend who got me into restricting my foods severely and losing that weight plus some, an experiment with veganism in culinary school (my chef hated me!), and a big move to Switzerland. The veganism was pursued out of curiosity for baking techniques and recipe enhancement. I figured I could add some of the unorthodox methods of making sauces and baking into an omnivorous menu. I had, by this point decided I didn’t like what I was doing with my actions surrounding food, so I was making a conscious effort to better myself. Who knew how hard it would be!? There were moments I felt like I would always obsess and it was something I just had to accept. I would always hate myself because it was the only way I knew how to make myself do better. I was going to be stuck and this was my reality. But then, my IBS went away after 1 week of vegan eating.


我也发现我的瑜伽练习,开始喝茶ching at my school in Switzerland, I had been practicing on and off since I was 12, but sharing it with others felt amazing. Contributing to the calm and wellbeing of other people made me want to help people love themselves more and more. Compassion is such an important part of living a fulfilling life, but is often written off. I had found my path, so to speak, and I was going to pursue it with the focus and passion I naturally exude.

During the start of my intentional recovery,我开始写博客mostly so my parents would know what I’m up to on my travels. It was one of the best decisions I’ve made. I found wonderful blogs like Choosing Raw and哦,她光晕这让我想起了一旦被人:we can recover, that we can retrain the way we talk to ourselves, and we can use food as a way of giving love and portraying passion through a healthy and glorious medium. I now teach cooking lessons, both group and private, to people who want to add more whole, plant-based foods into their lives, directing the idea of compassion and love, both for ourselves and all living things, to the kitchen and to the foods we eat. I also assistant manage and teach at a yoga studio, where I host most of my vegan cooking workshops.


It is somewhat surreal to say these things now, as if from a distance, able to acknowledge and identify what it was that was going on. While you’re in the thick of it, feeling helpless and tiny, you can’t see the forest, just the roots you’re stumbling over.

The line that really stuck with me in Lia’s story was,“do you want to give all of this up?”

I think most people with ED’s go through a phase—and maybe this phase lasts the duration of their disorders—where they try to reconcile their disorder with a normal life. I remember coming up with all sorts of plans about how I could eat just enough to avoid confrontation with concerned family members, mask the limited intake somehow (maybe I could say it was related to my IBS? A food allergy? Stomach flu? I’d think of something…), and then stay whippet thin and food-phobic for life, all the while doing everything I thought I was entitled to: socializing, dating, professional advancement, exercise, fun.


Every time I have had a hard moment in my own recovery—stressful situations that goad to start skipping meals, days in which I struggle to accept my body, tensions and problems that I used to resolve by starving—I ask myself “do you want to give all of this up?” “All of this” is my life, which may sometimes be stressful, but is bursting at the seams with good friends, good food, interesting relationships, travel, spontaneity, and the energy and good health with which to embrace it all. Would I want to give it up, all so that I could shrink back into the person I used to be? (Shrink—what an apt word to associate with EDs.)






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  1. 谢谢你,谢谢你,谢谢你让我们分享你的故事,你利亚的勇气。什么诚实和有见地看一个令人难以置信的旅程!你有这么多的同胞幸存者的支持,特别是在这里选择生吃。<3大部分爱。

  2. Thank you for sharing your story. While mine is quite different, I am so inspired to make the change to become that better person inside and out. I feel like I did “give it all up” after losing the weight I (thought) I battled (I was never over weight, but there was alwasy more to loose). I started eating healthy and exercising to the point that I was in the best shape of my life at age 40, even competing in triathlons. But then I let my mind get the best of me, and slowly went back down my old road and have gained my weight back and am struggling to get back into my exercise regime. This truely relates to where I feel I am now: “almost addicted to an unsatisfactory outcome each day only because it’s predictable.” I now battle with IBS, have become lactose intolerant and can only eat certain grains.

    “While you’re in the thick of it, feeling helpless and tiny, you can’t see the forest, just the roots you’re stumbling over.”

  3. 我的天哪,这符合我这么共鸣太......我的问题总是:“我怎样才能保持我的障碍又不影响我的心理?”这是一个任务,并且其中一个将永远accomplished-这是不可能的。虽然我不是素食主义者,这些绿色复苏的帖子总是给我带来提振。他们提醒我,推动我自己的恢复,体重增加的斗争,所有的酸甜苦辣。这一切都是值得的。感谢有这个系列 - 这是宣泄对作者和读者都。<3

    • Keep pushing because you’re right, it really is all worth it. So worth it. Freeing. With intention comes reality.

  4. 这真的对我说话在这一块的信息是,素食主义安装同情在我们的感觉(有时需要一段时间才能实现这个!) - 慈悲对动物,环境,反过来,我们自己,我们的健康和福祉。

    • 绝对!令人惊讶的是哪些食物和食物背后的理念可以为我们的展望和对事物的情感观点做。

  5. This is so raw and pure.
    It is not worth it at all.

  6. 天哪这是否击中了要害。我仍然在我的ED恢复很早,但这个问题是一个我问自己不断。我想放弃一切,我辛辛苦苦重建?我想放弃生活和运作的?我曾在健康,我几乎不能走路(联合的问题,挺着补缴盘),或者真的连做任何事情(严重疲劳)点迅速下降。我还是对付这种疾病的一些身体的副作用,但我看他们在恢复多一个踏脚石。它不会在一次或一蹴而就所有。但是我在我最低重量苦不堪言。我有意识地提醒我自己。看我做的方式并没有给我带来任何喜悦。 Having more weight on affords me the means to do things I love: run, work out, play with my nieces, go to school, walk the cities. There are bad days that come along with the good and I slip but ultimately the thought of going back to being lifeless is so unappealing. Going vegan after my ED recovery began has been a big help as well. I feel better knowing I put on weight by eating good, healthy, real food. And what’s more rewarding is knowing that this lifestyle gives back in ways we may not be able to see with the naked eye. It’s a huge help on this recovery road.

  7. 我很欣赏的力量,和自我分析的这些诚实的故事。作为55,我已经长大了与粮食问题,从来没有意识到这可能是一个问题。抑或是我控制的结果是我所设想的人呢?还是因为我知道SAD不适合我的道路?
    I have recently read some Louise L. Hay and found it very inspirational in dealing with the self-talking, which I never realized could do so much damage. And just to change our whole way of thinking. Because we’ve done something “always” doesn’t mean it’s right. Self love is so hard to learn and without parents who gave compliments of any kind, it’s taking some time. Still a work in progress…like all of us. Continual growth for all of us is all we can wish for.

  8. 谢谢!分享你的故事利亚,我相信我们很多人可以涉及到,并颊您雄辩地表达出来的思想。这个问题:“你想放弃这一切了吗?”是我一定尽量保持在问自己,当我拥有这些破坏性的想法。它是如此真实,你不能对生活充实而满足的生活和ED一起不论我们自欺欺人它possible-的ED吸了一切,耗尽我们的能量,激情和热情。很高兴有一到这个阶段,我可以承认,并保持自己的安全。

  9. 哇,这是一个相当故事阅读,利亚,经过多的是,而不是真的有什么想法你正在经历已经活你。在哪里,我不知道,做了我们作为兄弟让我们痴迷/骄傲与体重过轻?


    我的观点是,如果心理基础排列正确,我们会自动趋向往健康行为。我们不必强迫自己把它。技巧和心理游戏(类似问题)近一段时间工作(我用了很多),而且肯定的行为更容易变化,因此一个良好的开端,但打不健康的生活习惯最好的方法就是培养个人的心态,简单地doesn’t promote their presence in the first place.

    • Hey Khaled,

      I totally see your point, but I think it may be (in my opinion) a slightly overly optimistic perspective on mental health. I agree entirely that one shouldn’t have to ask the question all the time, or even very often (for the record, I didn’t get the feeling that Lia does, and I certainly don’t), but I do believe that people who have had mental illnesses retain some of the tendencies and have moments of setback, even through and after the healing process.

      So, yes, “do I want to give all this up?” shouldn’t be the first thing you have to ask yourself every morning. But your remark “if the mental foundations are aligned correctly, we automatically gravitate towards healthy behavior. We don’t have to force ourselves into it” strikes me as too simple a dichotomy between wellness and sickness, before and after. I believe it’s possible to heal from a mental illness to such a degree that it never comes knocking again, but my impression is that many of the folks who have recovered from depression, alcoholism, drug addiction, and EDs still have bad days every now and then when old habits seem appealing, and on those days, Lia’s question is the right one to ask.


      • 我意识到自己过于简单,并张贴该评论有点匆忙,没有经过真正的现实思考。吉纳的描述更有道理。I think what I was thinking was that it used to feel like all the good stuff was a burden, or a ball and chain, like I owed it to “all this” to stay healthy, and I didn’t want that to be my reason. But like you said, eventually got to the point where it was pretty much a rhetorical question, not for the obligation, but because I wanted it.

        Regardless, I am very proud of my sister, and I’m really happy to know she is thriving.

      • 我认为当你到达时,你可以回答这个点在恢复的临界点可能是一个响亮的没有这个问题,“我真的想放弃这一切了吗?”虽然经过多年的恢复我保留一些版样行为,值得注意的是,在强调的倾向undereat和关于我的食物演示/质量/品味极端pickiness。威廉app但我可以向你保证,我的复发的可能性是零。因为一天结束时,我没有饮食失调的时间和精力。是否有天我想我可能要失去了几磅?如果我说,所以我是在撒谎,但他们却并不多见。I’m not willing to give up all the things in my life I’ve gained through recovery, the least of which is a transformed relationship with food (so much so that food has become an immense source of joy in my life, a means through which I nourish myself not only physically but emotionally and spiritually).

        Of course the tradeoffs are very different when the ED is all there is, and that’s why recovery took so long for me. Too few people recognize the ego-syntonic functions of anorexia. I’m always reading accounts, even some Green Recovery stories, of people who feel “shame” over their eating disorders. But mine was a source of pride, to the point that it became constitutive of my identity. So giving it up was no easy feat. It was only as my life got richer, fuller, when the ED began to get in the way, that I could see the ways it was limiting my potential. Nevertheless, I let go of it very, very slowly.

        • 我不是故意要提交我的意见,以哈立德答复!对于那个很抱威廉app歉。但在回复,我会说,我在这里呼应吉纳的想法。I know early in recovery, after I’d put on a few pounds, when I’d encounter someone thinner, I’d console myself with thoughts like, “when I was her age, I was even thinner,” or, “been there, done that,” etc. I think, especially early on, whatever keeps you on the path. Including reminding yourself of all the good things you’ve gained along with the weight. It’s a lot like counting blessings.

  10. 利亚 - 感谢您与我们分享。我能想象这是困难的,但我真的很感激你的挣扎,很高兴的事情是如何变成了你。我发现我是有点老限制性的饮食习惯的内心挣扎,这让我想挣脱。

    • Thank you Kim! I really appreciate your comment. I’m glad this pushes you to want more from your current experiences because you deserve more!

  11. 再次,它击中离家近,虽然我承认我还是非常的“前”。但事实是,你可以把你想要的所有婴儿的步骤,并没有什么不妥继续慢慢地使prositive步骤,但你真的要采取信仰的飞跃。你必须决定你想要的东西更多,更好的东西,比你继续引领生活。


    • 艾比,我觉得有与采用原始的素食饮食的比喻。还有那些谁了解生的食物回家,清理出来的橱柜,买了Vitamix,威廉app永不回头乡亲。SAD 100%原始的素食主义过夜。但更常见的(和明智的,在我看来)的方法是温和的。不约从饮食中去除的事情烦恼威廉app,而是把重点放在这里,一个绿色的冰沙加入这里,一个大型的沙拉有,嘉布丁,饼干原料存在。尽管被说服我们不吃事项更对我们的健康比我们吃什么我这样说。随着方针“中加入”,过渡需要更长的时间,但最终,你吃了这么多健康的食物,你“排挤”的不健康的食物。你只失去了你的食物,这不是生活力产生的味道。

      Some people aren’t able to do the leap of faith with recovery. As much as I admire the people who can go away to treatment and come back fifteen pounds heavier and “recovered” in the space of eight weeks, in my case it took eight years. And then after two years of tenuous recovery, I relapsed before recovering for good post-grad school. I personally wasn’t capable of the leap of faith. My ED was too all-consuming, too constitutive of my identity. I think instead of standing on the edge of some high diving board waiting for the courage, inspiration, whatever, to jump in, baby steps are indeed the way to go. Eventually you’re swimming and having so much fun you don’t want to go back. I don’t want to deter you from taking the leap of faith whenever you’re ready! Just saying that I never got there. I didn’t choose recovery. I chose a bunch of other things and recovery came with the package.

    • That is a perfect way to say it, “almost addicted to an unsatisfactory outcome each day only because it’s predictable.” And it’s the familiarity that so often tries to pull you back into it. Cheers to that.

      • Right-on! You have to build a life that you grow to love more than you love the safety of your addictive behaviors – which ultimately only stunt your growth and ability to cope with “real” life.

  12. So eloquently written. I’ve certainly had points where I have tried to convince myself that I will simply be a “happy anorexic.” What an oxymoron. Like you simply stated, you can have an ED or you can live life to the fullest; you cannot have both.

  13. I feel I need to comment, both to Lia and Gena, to say thank you for a ray of hope. From a place of darkness where “do I really want to give all of this up” means the safety and the defences my anorexia provides, to know that there could be an opposite way of thinking, that there could be a better life, at least shows a glimmer of light for my future.

    • I’m glad that this post could be uplifting to you, and know that you do have the power to change your reality. It goes up and down as I’m sure you’ve experienced, but hope and will can take you to a better place.

  14. 完全可以理解这一点。我是一个酒保,我得到razzed所有关于我如何吃东西的时候。威廉app我告诉他们这个“我62岁,不承担血压和胆固醇任何药物。你怎么老/年轻是吗?”。这通常关起来

  15. Gena, your conclusion almost brought be to tears. So beautifully put, and so apt. I’ve made significant progress in the last month, but it has been a bad week. I’ll make sure to carry that refrain with me next time I slip into old habits of self-deprication. xo